20 Ways to Annoy Zero and Kaname THE FANFICTION
by xJasmine
Summary: The link above includes 20 ways each to annoy the heck out of Zero and Kaname! Yaoi. WARNING: CONTAINS MAJOR SPOILERS FOR THE VK SERIES. The ways to annoy will be selected and acted upon in fanfiction style. Enjoy!
1. The List

Disclaimer: The Vampire Knight anime/manga does not belong to me.

_**WARNING:**_

_**THE FOLLOWING TEXTS INCLUDES YAOI AND MAJOR SPOILERS. IF YOU DON'T WANT THE SERIES TO BE SPOILED FOR YOU, OR DISLIKE YAOI, PLEASE LEAVE NOW.**_

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So tonight I was bored and thought of these ways to annoy Zero and Kaname. I love them both to death, and I just realized there are only 2 of these fics on … Time to contribute!

By the way:

_**Some of the ways to annoy Zero or Kaname needs knowledge of the 'Twilight' series by Stephanie Meyer for full enjoyment. **_

Please enjoy… Reviewcookies are loved.

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Ways to annoy Zero:

1. Repeatedly bother him during class, and when he gets angry at you, tell him you need to hear the sound of a toilet flushing. When he asks why, tell him it helps you to think.

2. Ask him why his name is "Zero".

3. Throw brunette wigs and brown contacts at him in front of Kaname, and say: "NOW YOU CAN LOOK JUST LIKE YUUKI FOR KANAME SAMA!"

4. Whenever you need to write his name, always write it as "Kuran Zero"

5. Remind him that since he's Yuuki's "Brother" as well, that makes Kaname his older brother.

6. Everytime Kaname walks by, whisper in front of Zero: "You should spend more time with your little brother. He needs a role model."

7. Follow him everywhere and take pictures of him, later selling them to the KanamexZero fanclub. Let the computer editors do all the work...

8. Tell him he should wear a mask, like Ichiru, because he should be a little more fashionable for Kaname-sama.

9. Hide his day class uniform and replace it with a night class uniform. Force him to wear it to class.

10. While he wears his night class uniform, drag him towards Kaname and say to him "Kaname Sama! Your little brother is following in your footsteps!"

11. For Halloween, dress up like Shizuka Hiou, but claim to be Sephiroth. Tell him it was Kaname's idea.

12. For Valentine's Day, go up to Kaname and loudly give him HOMEMADE Chocolates from 'Zero'. Make sure both Zero and Kaname hears this clearly.

13. Send him a fake wedding invitation from Yuuki and Kaname.

14. For Christmas, give him a HUUUGE present which when opened, explodes in his face and says: You WISH that was Kaname in there!

15. Hide many copies of the Twilight series in his locker and backpack once in view of the night class students, unzip his bag and proclaim: "Zero! I never knew you liked Vampire books!"

16. Force him to do a book talk on the Twilight series in public, preferably where the night class can hear. Make him explain about newborns.

17. ALWAYS hurt yourself in front of him. Make sure you bleed. Whenever you get hurt, make sure it's him that takes you to the infirmary.

18. When in front of Zero and Kaname and preferably Yuuki, say VERY LOUDLY: "Loose the Zero, get with the Hero!"

19. When Zero needs to make a multimedia presentation and he's free to do anything, make him do an AMV on Vampire Hunter D with the song 'Vampire Heart'.

20. Tell Zero that Kaname needs to see him. Lead him towards the Zero fan club, and say: "LOOK! HE PREPARED THIS ALL FOR YOU!"

Ways to annoy Kaname:

1. Remind him that Zero is his younger brother since he's Yuuki's "Brother".

2. Whenever Zero does something wrong, tell Kaname that it's his fault, and he needs to take responsibility for his lil' bro's actions.

3. Hide ALL the blood tablets in the Moon dorm, and replace them with white Rockets candy.

4. In the daytime, hide ALL the curtains and blinds in the Night Class. Tell him Zero ordered it.

5. Tell him that whenever Zero drinks blood from Yuuki, Zero pretends it's him he's drinking from.

6. Remind him that Yuuki is his SISTER and generally in society, their love is considered WRONG.

7. Talk about birth deformities that may result from genetic mutations from incest. Make sure Kaname and Yuuki, and preferably Zero hears you.

8. Accuse him of being racist for wearing white all the time in class.

9. Ask him if he likes Zero, or boys in general. If he replies 'No', call him a sexist.

10. Organize a strike with KanamexZero fanclub members. Have them hold up posters and boards of Kaname and Zero together, have them march around making LOUD noises outside the Moon Dorm. Make sure the curtains and blinds are still gone while this happens.

11. Liken him to James Blunt. Make him watch/hear the 'You're Beautiful' video/song. Talk about how closely it seems to relate to his life.

12. Tell him that now all Zero needs to do is drink his blood when he isn't looking, and BOOM- you've got yourself a blood bond.

13. On Halloween, dress up as Vampire Hunter D. Tell him it was Zero's idea.

14. Buy him a jar of leeches.

15. If Kaname and Yuuki are together, play 'Girlfriend' by Avril Lavigne loudly on speakers every time Zero shows up.

16. Refer to Vampire/Vampire neck biting as 'Rapage of the neck'. Remind him that Zero drank from his neck.

17. Tell him Ichiru hurt Zero because he didn't want Kaname to be in his twin's brother's life.

18. Repeatedly remind him that Zero's LIVED with Yuuki for many, many, many YEARS.

19. Also repeatedly remind him that Zero's seen Yuuki in the bathroom MANY MANY TIMES.

20. While he is counting something important, holler random numbers at him.

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Wow- now THAT was fun! ;D

Remember: REVIEWCOOKIES ARE LOVED. I'm ALWAYS hungry. 8D Please tell me what you thought of this list… I've never really attempted successful humor before… Anyways, if you could list your favourite lines in a reviewcookie, that'd be great. Any questions are welcome.

Thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: The Vampire Knight anime/manga series does not belong to me.

Waaah- It's Jade here, and I'm so bored today that I'm going to CONTINUE this How to Annoy Zero and Kaname thing, in FANFICTION mode! This means all the items on the Ch.1 list will be used to ACTUALLY annoy Zero and Kaname! And I'm writing all of it down for you all. One line from each character's annoy list will be selected for each chapter. Counting the first chapter, this fic should have approximately 21 chapters.

Enjoy!

~-~

ZERO:

1. Repeatedly bother him during class, and when he gets angry at you, tell him you need to hear the sound of a toilet flushing. When he asks why, tell him it helps you to think.

-~-

"Zero…?" I say.

No response. The teacher drones on and on…

"Zero…"

Nothing.

"ZERO!" I whisper harshly into his ear, and he almost falls from his seat.

"WHAT?!?" He yells at me. I'm not startled, yet everyone else is.

The teacher stares at Zero for a moment, fuming silently before going on with his lecture. He knows very well that whatever punishment he decided to give to the boy, he'd never change.

"I need to hear the sound of a toilet flushing!" I say to him, pulling on his arm.

"Why?" His expression is SO CUTE when he's confused like that…

"It helps me think."

"WHAT?"

"I said-" I began again patiently.

"Just go to a bathroom! Leave me alone!" Zero buried his face in his hands, as if crying. But I knew better.

"Zero…" I started all over again.

He slammed his books on the desk noisily and stormed out of the classroom. The teacher glared at his back for a mere second before continuing his lecture.

-~-

KANAME:

Remind him that Zero is his younger brother since he's Yuuki's "Brother".

-~-

"You know, Kaname… Zero is actually sort of like your little brother." I said to him out of the blue, while he was reading a book.

He doesn't even look up.

"How so?"

"Because he's like a brotherly figure to Yuuki, and is practically her brother, since he was adopted like her and raised under the same roof. Thus, since you are Yuuki's real brother, you should accept Zero as a younger brother as well." I say, carefully gauging his reaction. Aidou was staring at me weirdly, but I dismissed it.

"…." No immediate reaction, but Kaname's right eyebrow twitched ever so slightly.

-~-

Ahahaha! It's gonna take a bit more to annoy Kaname… Hmm… The next chapter:

ZERO:

Ask him why his name is "Zero". (This ought to be interesting…)

KANAME:

Whenever Zero does something wrong, tell Kaname that it's his fault, and he needs to take responsibility for his lil' bro's actions. (This'll annoy him for sure!)

Reviewcookies are greatly appreciated!


	3. Chapter 2

Hola y'all! Here's the second installment.

By the way, people waiting for the 3rd chapter for 'The Widow's Bloody Tears', I know I promised an update soon, but it may not be for a while. A while meaning a few days or so. I was around halfway done when writer's block hit me and I couldn't write seriously anymore… So I thought I'd come here and write random and weird while I was in the mood.

Don't worry though- 3rd chapter will definitely be up, it's just that I've fallen into a few plotholes too, and have to think of something to fill them up…

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Zero:

2. Ask him why his name is "Zero".

-~-

I found him outside under a tree, skipping class yet again.

"Zer-"

"FLUSHHHHHH!" Zero screams at me.

"…Awww, Zero, that's cute, but I don't need to hear the toilet now." I giggle, and then begin to laugh.

"Okay, so what do you want?" Zero asks me with a not-so-subtle hint of annoyance in his voice.

"I was always wondering… Why's your name Zero?"

"Well-"

"And why is your YOUNGER brother named Ichiru? Shouldn't you be named Ichiru, since you were first?"

"That's because-"

"Does it mean you're NOTHING?"

"NO! My name is Zero because-"

"And what's with these number names? Zero, Ichiru… I bet if you had another brother his name would be Niru."

"Will you just LISTEN while I explain?" His face was red now.

"No. I don't want to."

"Why not? You asked me!" He glares daggers at me.

"Because I've come to the conclusion that your parents suck at giving their kids names, and thus now my curiosity is satisfied."

"…"

I walk away quickly before Zero is able to throw that rock _too_ far.

**Kaname: **

2. Whenever Zero does something wrong, tell Kaname that it's his fault, and he needs to take responsibility for his lil' bro's actions.

-~-

"Cross, can I talk to you?" I watch as Yuuki's math teacher pulls her by the hand away from the crowd. Kaname looked mildly curious as he watched their conversation.

"Is there something wrong, professor?" Yuuki asks.

"Yes, it's about Zero… He's been skipping so many classes lately, and I'm worried about his grades…"

I watch beside Kaname as Yuuki wanders off with the teacher, wrapped up in their totally interesting conversation.

"You know, Kaname… You should really at least tutor Zero." I say this with disgust and disbelief in my voice, and glare up at him.

"Why should I do that?" He looks down at me as if he were talking to a child.

"Because he's like your little brother!" I tell him.

"Oh god, not this again…" Kaname turns to leave, but I stop him.

"It's true! How can you just sit back and watch while your brother's getting like… NO EDUCATION? How can you sleep at night- How can you sleep at… Day…? Anyways how can you sleep knowing about your huge mistake?"

"What mistake?!?"

"You should really grow up a bit and take responsibility for your own actions, or LACK of actions!"

"Why should I care?" Kaname goes the other way to try and avoid me, but I stop him again.

"You're such a bad brother!" I force tears out of my eyes.

"…" His left eye twitches a bit.

"Do it… For Yuuki?"

"…"

-~- End result -~-

"WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?"

"Calm down, Zero. I've noticed the sudden drop in your grades, so I thought I should take the initiative to-"

"I DON'T NEED YOUR TUTORING! JUST YOUR BLOOD!"

"Do you know how important an education is?"

"Don't do this to me…"

"Look, I don't want to do this either!"

"OW! Why'd you do that, Kuran?!? That book was heavy!"

"Okay, you know what?!? There! That's all nice and ripped up now, happy? Now you owe the chairman $60."

"…You know what will REALLY help me think? It's not tutoring."

"…What is it then?"

"…"

"…KIRIYUU! LET ME BACK IN!"

"NO!"

"HOW CAN YOU LOCK ME OUT OF MY OWN ROOM?!?"

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Hehehe… I added the –End Result- today because I thought it'd be fun… Later on some chapters may have one, others won't…

I hoped you liked this chapter!

NEXT CHAPTER:

Zero:

3. Throw brunette wigs and brown contacts at him in front of Kaname, and say: "NOW YOU CAN LOOK JUST LIKE YUUKI FOR KANAME SAMA~!"

(This ought to be fun! xD )

Kaname:

3. Hide ALL the blood tablets in the Moon dorm, and replace them with white Rockets candy.

(Gasp! Lets make the day class girls bleed while swooning over them!)

Please send reviewcookies!


	4. Chapter 3

Hey everyone! Jade here with ch.3. Hope you guys like this chapter. I think I put a lot more words into this one!

Also, a note for those of you who read my other story, "The Widow's Bloody Tears", the story is still going. Don't be concerned. But right now I just have no inspiration. I think I'll be pumped up again after the second season comes out. I can't wait!

Anyhow, let's get this chapter started:

ZERO:

3. Throw brunette wigs and brown contacts at him in front of Kaname, and say: "NOW YOU CAN LOOK JUST LIKE YUUKI FOR KANAME SAMA~!"

-x-

Zero and Yuuki were performing their usual _boring_ prefect duties this _boring_, chilly morning when the same _boring_ time came when the _boring_ night class would come out of the gates of _boringness_.

Then the _boring_ girls would squeal and scream with their _boring_ voices.

But today was different. While Yuuki and Zero were trying to restrain the desperate boring fangirls from reaching their boring idols, I came up to Zero.

Well, not really. I nudged closer and closer to him until I was a considerable distance. I did this more or less every day, but it's what I bear with me today in my bag that's different. I snicker in anticipation, and the moment the brown haired pureblooded vampire comes into sight, I squeal so loud, that for a few moments everyone just shuts up. Kaname was staring hard at me, his eyes a mixture of curiosity and annoyance.

"Eeee~!" I squealed again and hurled a bunch of brown stuff at Zero.

"Wha?" He caught them and glanced at me in confusion.

"It's those brown wigs and brown contacts you wanted me to get for you, Zero!" I grin innocently. "Now you can look JUST like YUUKI for Kaname sama!" My grin grows wider.

"Gah!" Zero starts and throws my 'gifts' onto the floor, glares at Kaname with a panicked expression full of hate, and stomps away.

Kaname, on the other hand, just stood there for a few minutes, staring at me, and then Yuuki, who at the moment has her mouth open so wide I thought she'd drool any moment. She does do that, you know? Once I saw a huge gob of drool come out of her mou- okay, back on topic.

But life goes on, and eventually Kaname continues on his way, this time slower, and keeping his eyes on me for quite some time.

The fangirls were silent. It was a miracle, was it not? Zero should be thanking me!

-x-

KANAME:

3. Hide ALL the blood tablets in the Moon dorm, and replace them with white Rockets candy.

-x-

Digging through the Night Class blood tablet cabinet was messy business, because while I was trying to take them all out, picking each one up, I began to sweat, and the tablets dissolved, and I had to go wash… You understand, don't you? It's messy business.

Anyways, soon all the tablets were picked (I even had to sneak into some of the students' rooms to get all of them!) and kept in a rather large jar. In another jar was an equal quantity of white rockets candy I had obtained on Halloween.

Laughing evilly, I placed the rockets tablets in the places the blood tablets had been found, taking blood tablets, replacing rockets candy. This went on for quite some time, and I'd hoped no one would realize I was in here. Thank god all the bloodsuckers were asleep.

Or were they?

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a movement, and I grew afraid suddenly. Looking around frantically, I ran into the thick velvet curtain, hiding myself.

It was Aidou who'd come in. Why wasn't he asleep? Ah. Perfect timing. He'd come for blood.

Mumbling, the blond haired vampire took one of the white tablets, and dropped it in a glass of water on top of a counter. He leaned over the table slightly, waiting for it to dissolve. He yawned, and began to tap his fingers against the table.

I waited.

"UGH! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH THIS THING?" He hissed so menacingly that it was an equal to a scream of anger.

He picked up the glass, and in this motion spilled a bit of the water onto himself, and just swallowed the entire contents of the glass, keeping the blood tablet in his mouth.

He spat it out within seconds, wiping his mouth with erratic motions. On his face was a scared expression.

He did the same thing for 3 more tablets, only to be met with the same result.

"KANAME SAMA!!!!" He ran out of the room, whining.

I jumped out the window and fled. Things were going to turn ugly.

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Reviewcookies, please!

NEXT CHAPTER:

ZERO:

4. Whenever you need to write his name, always write it as "Kuran Zero"

(Always a classic!)

KANAME:

4. In the daytime, hide ALL the curtains and blinds in the Night Class. Tell him Zero ordered it.

(Muhaha! This will go great with the blood tablet deprivation. Let's make people bleed in view of the night class, shall we?)


	5. Chapter 4

Woo! It's Jade here! I've decided that if I can't continue TWBT, I might as well continue on with this fanfic! 1 DAY UNTIL THE FIRST EP OF SEASON 2 AIRS IN JAPAN!!! EEEK!

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ZERO:

4. Whenever you need to write his name, always write it as "Kuran Zero"

-x-

Zero's contact paper had arrived. It came on a yellow sheet of paper with the following questions printed neatly on it:

Name:

Age:

Sex:

Grade:

Email:

Home Phone:

Cell Phone:

Health Card:

Hobbies:

And etcetera.

I snatched it quickly before he even came to his desk, and stuffed it into one of my floral pattern binders. I snickered sinisterly. Zero plopped down sluggishly in his seat a few moments later, and didn't seem to notice that the yellow sheet of paper everyone held in their hands was missing on his desk.

After almost an hour, the bell rang loudly and students milled out of the classroom doors, chatting and gossiping. I stayed in my seat and pulled out Zero's contact form. Mrs. Shibiki gave me a quick glance and just surmised I was doing homework. Pleased, she sat down at her desk and did not disturb me since I had a free period anyways, and she had nowhere to go.

I hid the grin from my face as I filled out his contact form.

Name: Zero Kuran

Age: 17. Been 17 for a while…

Sex: Female

Email:

Home Phone: 666-6666-666

Cell Phone: 555-666-6666

Health Card: Why would I need one?

Hobbies: Cross dressing. That's all I'm good for.

Favorite Subject: Science. Without knowledge of the human body, how am I to know which artery or vein is the juiciest?

And so on I continued to write, even doodling a mini-vampire on the side of the page. Once I was done I handed the sheet to Ms. Shibiki, who took the paper with only a quick cursory glance at it. She although seemed slightly dismayed that I wasn't really doing homework or studying.

Grinning from ear to ear, I thanked her and headed out the classroom door.

-x- END RESULT -x-

A few days later, Zero's new uniform arrived. It consisted of a skirt and blouse. "Kuran Zero" It read on the label.

Zero just shook his head and stared hard at it. Why would a girl's uniform be given to him? Not like he'd ever wear it. He could just wear his old uniform, and no one would notice. It was probably an organization error. He didn't even pay for this uniform anyways. But why was his name spelled like that…? Moments later he shrugged it off as a typo.

Then, his books arrived. "Kuran Zero" It read on each and every front cover.

Something felt fishy, but Zero just shrugged again and thought it to be some kind of mistake, since now everyone knows Yuuki is of the Kuran family, and he might have been thought as her brother at some point. It's not like he'd ever USE the textbooks anyways.

But when the secretary shouted "KURAN ZERO!" over the entire school's P.A system that could be heard outside when the night class was just coming in went over the line.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Zero shouted back angrily, and with a face red as a beet, he spun on his heel and ran back to the school, banging on the doors before kicking them open. His shouts of frustration could still be heard outside for many minutes to come.

Kuran Kaname and Kuran Yuuki just stared at each other and Yuuki laughed. She didn't know what'd just happened, but it didn't really bother her. She'd always thought of Zero as a brotherly figure anyways.

Kaname, however, was not amused. After being joked for Zero's older brother for many days, this was not funny at all. Now the entire school, and not just the night class, thinks he's related to Zero. _Great_.

Kaname was the first to barge into the school, trying to avoid the desperate crowd of people with questions pouring out of their mouths.

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Kaname:

4. In the daytime, hide ALL the curtains and blinds in the Night Class. Tell him Zero ordered it.

-x-

It was a bright morning at Cross Academy. The birds were chirping, fresh dew gathered on the grass, and students enrolled in the Day class would soon be waking from their hopefully peaceful slumbers to another exciting school day.

It was also the time when the students of the Night class tucked in for their sleep. It was a perfect morning, of the most perfect languid temperature, but somehow in the night class dorms, the temperature felt just a bit hotter.

The reason? All of the windows of the Night dorm were stripped of their curtains. The sun found its way through the glass and spilled into the halls and rooms of the occupants of the dorm. It wasn't long before a peeved crowd gathered in front of Kaname's room, many of them holding umbrellas, despite it being an unlucky gesture. Aidou timidly knocked on Kaname's door, and soon it opened. Kaname stood before them, hair in a mess, eyes half lidded, but the moment he opened the door he almost flinched at all the light suddenly meeting his unprepared eyes.

"What's the meaning of this?!?" He almost yelled.

Aidou winced and gulped. "Well, Kaname Sama, we thought you'd know… All the curtains are gone…" As he said this Aidou noticed the curtains in Kaname's room were still there. Something stirred in him.

"Well, where are they?!?" Kaname started to inch back into his room, trying to escape from the light outside. He was shaken, and wasn't ready to deal with this half awake.

"We don't know." Aidou answered truthfully, but a frown settled on his face. Why were Kaname's curtains still there while all of theirs were gone?

It was this scene that played out before my eyes as I trudged heavily through the lit halls, acting annoyed. But I was far from unhappy. Last night I had skipped class and removed all of the curtains, all except Kaname's. Yes, I participate in the night classes too. When do I sleep? That's for me to know and for you to find out.

"Ah!" Kanama called out to me. "Yes?" I replied nonchalantly.

"What has become of the curtains?!?" He glared at me, and for a moment I almost thought he knew of my plan. But of course he didn't. He was glaring at me because I was a troublemaker. He had no proof.

"I believe…" Yawn. "I believe Zero has ordered for them to be removed." I shrugged lightly and continued on my way.

Behind me shouts of "_WHAT_" and "_HOW DARE HE_" and "_WHO'S ZERO?_" erupted.

I turned the corner with a grim expression, because I knew everyone would be onto me if I were to laugh.

A few moments later, Kaname was being bombed with whining vampires with sensitive eyes…

-x- END RESULT -x-

"It sure is crowded in here…" Oliver, a brunet noble vampire muttered. Beside him, Aidou scoffed.

All of the night class students were scrunched up in Kaname's room, since it was the only room with no sunlight. Although Kaname's room was big, in the end there was hardly enough room to stretch one's legs. Kaname refused to share his bed at first, but as the students started pushing, he reluctantly agreed to let some of them sleep there. He ended up sleeping in a sitting position on the floor beside Ichijou. Furious, he made a mental note to wring out Zero's neck the next time he saw the boy.

_And then fate smiled upon them… And someone farted. _

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HA! How's THAT for humor? I enjoyed writing Kaname's scene, and I hope you all enjoyed reading it. Let's just pretend, for the sake of the story that the 'I' in the fic participates in both the day and the night class. That way she can have easy access to both Kaname and Zero so she may torture- Ahem, interact with them.

Next chapter:

ZERO:

5. Remind him that since he's Yuuki's "Brother" as well, that makes Kaname his older brother. – Okay, since this was already done with Kaname, I'll add a twist to it with telling Zero that if he's lucky, and wears his female uniform to school, Kaname might decide to marry him instead of Yuuki. How's that? xD

KANAME:

5. Tell him that whenever Zero drinks blood from Yuki, Zero pretends it's him he's drinking from. – This will be fun!

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I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! Please donate a reviewcookie!


	6. Chapter 5

Finally, eh? Here's the next chapter.

Disclaimer: VK is not mine.

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ZERO:

5. Remind him that since he's Yuuki's "Brother" as well, that makes Kaname his older brother. – Okay, since this was already done with Kaname, **I'll change it to telling Zero that if he's lucky, and wears his female uniform to school, Kaname might decide to marry him instead of Yuuki. **

-x-

He was still pretty upset about his name mix up… And now he's got a female uniform crumpled up under his bed.

"Humph." I scoffed. What a waste.

Zero in the cafeteria, with a bunch of fries on a plate in front of him. He was currently stuffing them into his mouth at the speed of light.

I waltzed over to him, sneaking up to him behind his back.

"BOO!" I shouted.

Zero choked, and spat out a nasty glob of half-chewed French fries. Everyone within a 2 metre radius of him gagged. A girl took one look at what he'd spat out and ran to the bathroom, covering her mouth. She never came back.

"Aw, nasty!" Zero covered his eyes when he finally saw what he'd produced. People around him were holding up books so they wouldn't see him.

Zero glared at me.

I grinned.

"You shouldn't eat fries. They're fattening." I murmured, taking his cup of soda, dumping it onto his lap, and covering the glob of mushy fries with it.

While several students sighed in relief, Zero stood up so quickly the chair scraped harshly against the floor.

"WHAT THE HELL?!?" He was furious- his eyes looked like glowing embers… Purple glowing embers, of course, but oh well.

I brought a finger to his lips, and he silenced immediately, confused.

"Don't be like that, Zero-chan." I winked, and he rolled his eyes and sat down at his table again. Aww, poor thing thinks I'm just going to taunt him for his girl uniform? That's not all I'm doing…

"You see, fries are very fattening. You won't be able to fit into your female uniform if you keep this up…"

"Why do I care?" He began eating his fries again, but this time more aware of me.

"But if you want Kaname to marry you, you can't be fat!"

I screamed in surprise as another glob of nastiness flew past me.

"Oh, NASTY, Zero!" One of the guys at the table shouted, covering his eyes.

"Oh no you DIDN'T." Another guy snapped his fingers in Z formation.

Zero himself was fuming now, and he grabbed his tray, threw it on the floor, and attempted to kick me, but I was faster and I aimed a precision kick right to his…

"AAAWWWW!" All the guys groaned in shock. Zero just whimpered like a starved kitty.

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KANAME:

5. Tell him that whenever Zero drinks blood from Yuki, Zero pretends it's him he's drinking from.

-x-

I saw Kaname rubbing his neck in the library.

Twice.

Three times.

Four.

On the fifth time I decided to go ask him what was wrong.

He glared at me cautiously, and I could see how pale he was- probably from lack of sleep last night!

"Nothing." But when he lifted his hand away I could see little bite marks on the side of his neck. I grinned.

"Zero bit you? Again?"

He muttered something under his breath and took out a book to read. But I pulled up a chair beside him and studied him curiously, propping my head up with my wrist.

"WHAT?" He threw down his book and growled at me.

I couldn't help but laugh.

"That was so funny! Sorta reminded me of when I saw Zero drinking Yu-" I covered my mouth dramatically and faked a gasp through my laughter.

Kaname's expression changed immediately.

"WHAT?" He hissed again, grabbing my shoulders and shaking me back and forth harshly. "What did you see?!? Damn him, I TOLD him to never touch Yuuki again!"

I pretended I was nervous, and he fell for it.

"TELL ME WHAT YOU SAW!!"

The librarian sitting across the room looked so pissed off, but of course she wouldn't dare tell Kaname to shut up.

"Uh…" I started, "Don't worry, Kaname-kun." I patted his head animatedly. "Don't be jealous. I happen to know for a fact that Zero pretends it's you he's drinking from all the time."

Kaname began sputtering. "I wasn't jealous! But the! I! He! Yuuki! Blood! I told him!" His face had become a cute shade of red when he realized the implications under my words.

In the end he shut his mouth and pulled the book close and blocked me out of his sight.

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NEXT CHAPTER:

ZERO:

6. Everytime Kaname walks by, whisper in front of Zero: "You should spend more time with your little brother. He needs a role model." –Yes, Zero definitely needs one to teach his manners –Cough- spitting out globs of fries –Cough-

KANAME:

6. Remind him that Yuuki is his SISTER and generally in society, their love is considered WRONG. –MUHAHAHA! T'is true!

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Not as much description today. My writing style changes often according to my mood, I suppose. Sorry if some people were disappointed. I wanted to keep this sweet and simple.

Again, please send reviewcookies!


	7. Chapter 6

Jade here! Enjoy this chapter! It's 20 percent more random than the others!

Disclaimer: Vampire Knight is not mine.

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ZERO:

6. Everytime Kaname walks by, whisper in front of Zero: "You should spend more time with your little brother. He needs a role model."

-x-

Interestingly, Zero has gone to extreme means to avoid Kaname. This wasn't good.

"What's wrong with him?" Yuuki asks, watching Zero with amusement as he nearly flew out of the room the moment Kaname entered.

"Dunno." I replied, shrugging my shoulders innocently. "But I know he'll be back, 'cause he left his coat here and it's raining outside." I pointed to a worn gray jacket that looked like it hadn't been washed since Jesus was in the third grade.

"Kaname senpaiiii!" Yuuki and Kaname started to flirt, and so I tuned them both out, waiting for Zero to return.

Soon the silver haired ex-human stalked into the room again, looking very upset and very soaked. Kaname and Yuuki's conversation stopped.

"Zero, you know better than to leave without your jacket!" I teased, grabbing the jacket before he could take it.

"Look, it's ripped!"

"Give it back, wench!" He shouted, clawing for it.

"Zero!" Yuuki gasped. "Don't ever use that word!"

"She's right, Zero," I sniffed. "I'm so hurt. Kaname senpai, you really should spend more time with him! It would be so much nicer around here if you'd rub off some of your awesomeness on Zero."

"Oohhh!" Yuuki clapped her hands together happily. "Bonding time! Yay!"

Kaname's eyes narrowed. Red, irritated and sleep deprived they were. Probably from the lack of curtains in the moon dorm. I'd taken a peek and seen that the poor vampires have taken it up to _here_, and they've resorted to taping newspapers, old clothes, tablecloths and anything they could find over the windows.

Of course, I'd gone and ripped them off when they weren't looking every morning and left a very nicely forged note in Zero's handwriting.

"I would be glad to, if I could get some sleep!" Kaname murmured dangerously. Zero looked like he didn't know what the heck the vampire pureblood was talking about. In truth, he really didn't. I passed off a laugh as a cough.

"I don't need any role model, especially this filty… Filty… GUY!" Zero turned and left in a rage.

"Aww, look, he doesn't like you! Kaname senpai wants everyone to like him, ne?"

Yuuki and I gave him puppy eyes, and the pureblood sighed.

"Well," he began, "I've never really had anyone not like me… So I don't really know what to do… Hmm…" Kaname remembered what the girls from the day class did when they wanted him to like them. Hm, maybe that was it!

-x- END RESULT –x-

The next day Zero found a box of chocolates outside his door. "From Kaname," it said in crimson cursive handwriting.

Zero kicked the box over.

Under the box it said, "I knew you'd do that. Why can't you be more like me and just take it?"

Zero stomped on the box. A cassette clicked on within the box.

"I said _take_ it, not _take out your anger out on it_! Now I see why everyone hates you, and-"

STOMP.

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KANAME:

6. Remind him that Yuuki is his SISTER and generally in society, their love is considered WRONG.

-x-

I found Kaname in his bathroom engrossed in his favorite hobby. It was a secret only he and I shared because of that one time I walked in on him doing it. It was very embarrassing for him, and I had to step out for a while until he'd cleaned up.

No, you pervert, Kaname's secret hobby isn't masturbation. You're all sick minded! Kaname doesn't masturbate, people masturbate to Kaname!

Ahem, anyway, back to the topic. I found Kaname doing what he loved most.

Snail observation.

A pail that was once hidden well behind the toilet was now on the sink, and hundreds of snails crawled out of the plastic container. Kaname had a magnifying glass and was enthusiastically checking up on his beloved pets.

…

Did you actually believe that?

That the great pureblood Kuran Kaname had pet snails?

I was _joking_.

Kaname was _reading_.

He was reading a very sophisticated book in the library shared between the day class and night class. He was also being ogled at all angles.

I sat down on a chair beside him, and he immediately changed chairs, walking to the other chair on the other side of the room, never looking away from his book. The horde of fangirls followed him. Enraged, I fumed in my position for a while, and then tailed him.

"What do you want now?!?" He jabbed a bookmark into his book, and I was pleased he knew he wouldn't be getting rid of me anytime soon.

"So, Kaname senpai…" I leaned towards him curiously. "You love Yuuki san, don't you?" The other girls leaned towards him behind me, eager to hear the answer.

His expression softened. "Of course." A few of the girls burst into tears. He ignored them.

"But you do know she's your sister, right?"

He put a hand over his face. "Oh, god, this again. Look, I don't care what you think, okay? Marriage of relatives is common in the _vampire world!_"

A long, collective gasp.

"OH SHIT." Kaname cursed, covering his mouth. What had he done?!? He'd just revealed the existence of vampires!

The girls all reached into their bags.

"Oh no, they videotaped us, they have us on audio! We're dead!" Kaname was flipping out, eyes wide and scared as heck.

Copies of the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer popped out everywhere. "I KNEW THEY EXISTED!" A collective shout.

We stared at them blankly.

"ARE YOU EDWARD IN DISGUISE?!? YOU MUST BE! AND YUUKI IS BELLA! OH EM GEE! IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE!"

Kaname took my arm and guided me out of the library slowly.

And then some girl shouted, "AND ZERO IS JACOB! EEEE!"

Silence.

"EWWWW," Some yelled, while others shouted, "JACOOOOBB! I LOVE YOU!"

A long, collective gasp once more. The silence was deafening.

And then the girls beat each other into pulps.

The librarian came back from her lunch break to see dozens of girls passed out and bloody on the floor.

She screamed,

"NOO! THE CARPET! I JUST CLEANED IT!"

When the girls woke up they remembered nothing except how they fought valiantly for their beloved fictional characters.

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NEXT CHAPTER:

ZERO:

7. Follow him everywhere and take pictures of him, later selling them to the KanamexZero fanclub. Let the computer editors do all the work... **–MUHAHAHA-**

KANAME:

7. Talk about birth deformities that may result from genetic mutations from incest. Make sure Kaname and Yuki, and preferably Zero hears you. **–More about incest, eh? Well, I promise to make it interesting!-**

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Muhaha! Sorry I didn't update in so long. ): **I was amazed at how people still reviewed for this fic, and I was so moved I'd decided to update! YAY! Thanks for all your reviewcookies!**

I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. It was random, even for me. I just had to add in that Twilight thing. I dunno, it just came up, and it fitted the scene. Sorry for anyone who don't know about the series.

**I just graduated from Grade 8! I got onto honor roll, got academic and performance honors, and even got the language award, drama award and top student award! Yay! I'm smart! And everyone knows smart people spend their time writing crack yaoi! Yup, that sounds just about right.**

**Please send reviewcookies. They're delicious! Luv y'all! **


	8. Chapter 7

**Hey guys! I changed my Pen name because I thought Aleydis Emma Jade was WAY too long. Now I'm Jasmine! Or Jas, for short. YAY! Hope none of you guys get confused.**

**Anyway, I think this is my best chapter in plot development so far. Enjoy! **

**Disclaimer: Me no own.**

* * *

ZERO:

7. Follow him everywhere and take pictures of him, later selling them to the KanamexZero fanclub. Let the computer editors do all the work...

-x-

Now that I was really looking, it was truly surprising how many of the things Zero did could be considered… Well, deliciously sexy after being… _Altered _a little by the right people. Of course, we all know everything Zero does is sexy, anyway!

"Like, totally." Said the vice-president of the yaoi fanclub. Said vice-president was the living miracle himself, a _boy who liked yaoi. _

"They'd be like… So hot together. Just like, um. Anakin and Obi-wan, dudette." He slurred, braces causing him to spit everywhere. He flipped out a lightsaber. …Yes, he just happened to also be the president of the Star Wars fan club… He called himself Anakin.

"Uh. _Yeah_." I backed away from him. "So are you good in computers?"

"AM I? I downloaded Photoshop CS3 illegally from a Chinese website!" He shouted, holding his lightsaber up to the heavens.

"…Uh. Ok. So all I need to do is take pictures, and you can… How do I say this," I stumbled for the words, but he seemed to understand.

"Smexi-fy them?" He said in a low voice, flipping on a switch that turned his red lightsaber into a double-bladed one.

We cackled evilly, eyes shining, a dark cloud coming over our heads, and thunder roared in the background. A sudden downpour soaked us, but we were too evil to care.

So where were we, you ask?

"WHAT THE HELL?" All the people in the cafeteria picked up their water-soaked jello and ran out.

"How the hell is it raining in here?" Someone wondered out loud.

"BEHOLD THE POWER OF THE DARK SIDE! MUHAHAHA!"

-x-

I found Zero in the stable, as he usually was at this time. I had my _Olympus OM model 35mm, for sale in retail stores around the country_, good and ready.

At the moment he seemed to be feeding Lily something. Lily was his horse, or something, I dunno, he just seemed very enamored with her. It almost seemed… Cute. I watched him from his side, as he pet her mane.

But too bad for him, Lily was evil too.

With a neigh, she flipped over the bucket of oats Zero had been holding with a well placed kick. Sighing, Zero bent over to pick it up, giving me a nice view of his behind.

**Poof! **

"What was that?" Zero shot up like an arrow, and looked around, confused. "Huh, I thought I heard something… Did you hear something, Lily?"

Weird, did he always talk to horses?

Lily neighed and huffed. Zero shrugged.

-x-

"Yuuki, why isn't Zero eating with us here at the cafeteria?" I asked innocently, sitting in the still damp lunch room. The rainclouds stopped raining but didn't go away. They loomed overhead, ominous and grey.

Everyone had to drink their stuff outside so the rainclouds don't absorb any of it. It'd really suck if it started raining coke, lemonade, sprite, tea, water and soup all at the same time, wouldn't it?

"Sometimes he eats TV dinners in his room. It's really not healthy, and I think… Eh?" Only an empty chair remained at where I once was.

As I was walking to his room I checked over all the pictures I had taken of him. There was one of him yawning, mouth wide open… Hehehe… Then there was the video of him taking off his clothes to change into his gym uniform. I'd left the camera in a gap in the wall, all high up. And then there was the money shot. Zero drinking milk from the carton. Well actually, he was pouring it onto his face. It went everywhere.

And it also just so _happened_ that he was half naked and sweaty at the time, as it was right after gym.

You thought I'd take a picture of him sucking on a Popsicle, didn't you? Well Zero only eats cones, so HA.

I reached his door. I pushed it gently and it opened.

Zero never leaves his door locked! It's dangerous, but who am I to say that to a vampire hunter? But this means I could come while he was sleeping, so I didn't complain.

Into his room I slinked like a snake… _Like a shadow dragon, silence is my skill… With the precision of a cobra, I perv around and leave no trail…_ AGH, NO! I was turning into a _NARUTARD!_

I was pulled out of my thoughts by the most awesome sight ever. Zero did not notice me AT ALL, even thought I was practically standing directly in front of him, camera in hand. He was trying to get Ketchup out of the bottle, and was shaking it vigorously back and forth.

_Holy crap!_ I didn't want to risk flash, so I taped the whole thing.

He looked into the bottle.

He shook it some more.

He _BLEW_ into the bottle.

He shook it.

And then he slapped it _HARD_ on the side.

_Oooh, kinky. _

**Beep beep.**

_Shoot, my Camera had a feature that tells you when it was going out of batteries!_

Zero looked up. Very slowly.

-x-

"Hey, do you have, like, have the pictures and stuff?" Anakin sat on my hospital bed. He seemed to be entertaining himself by poking the tubes sticking into me. Ow.

"Yeah…" I mumbled weakly, and handed him my camera. I couldn't move too much because of a broken rib and a killer concussion. "Just make sure it's worth it."

"Yeah, dude. It's gonna be, like. Totally… Worth it. Like, I'll avenge you, Sister!" He may or may not have burst into tears. I wasn't sure, because I passed out from the morphine. But when I woke up there was a can of sprite on my bedside.

_Wow, this is all I get? What about my hospital bills?!?_

-x- End Result –x-

A certain silver haired prefect was just making his usual afternoon rounds down the halls when something stopped him in his tracks. And hardly anything ever stopped Kiryuu Zero In his tracks!

Taped on the wall in front of him were posters. Of him. And Kaname. Doing… Doing…

It was lucky that no one was around to see Zero ripping off all the posters, but there were so many! Plus, the damage had already been done…

Then somewhere sleazy saxophone music started playing. Zero looked towards the source.

Somewhere on the other side of the campus…

"What the heck was that?" a boy asked when a rather high pitched screech echoed off the walls.

The girl beside him turned around to face him. Her eyes were red and puffy. In fact, he just realized now that all of the girls in the classroom seemed to be very, very depressed.

"It was probably," _sob_ "Some other girl who" **sob** "Saw the posters." _**Sob.**_ "Or saw the movie…"

"What posters? What movie?"

She started to wail, and the teacher sighed dreamily. "Oh, just those _gorgeous _posters and scenes of Kaname and Zero… Together! I knew they were meant for each other!"

The temperature in the room dropped ten degrees.

-x-

"Ms Shibiki?" I was surprised when I saw a woman who looked eerily like Ms Shibiki, the English teacher, pushed past my door on a stretcher.

I picked up the letter that came for me this morning I tore off the Darth Vader helmet sticker holding the envelope together.

_How's the hospital? _

_The plan worked! I took that picture you took of Zero and Lily and I mixed it with a picture of Kaname yawning, it looked like clothed butt sex! _

_The girls ate that one up, but then there was that video of Zero changing? I put some porno music on it and put in a scene of Kaname opening the door and looking pleasantly shocked, (that video was taken by Yuuki, from that family film she took when she made him dinner the first time. She donated the clip gladly.) I took the entire shebang and aired it on the school movie screen! I even put it on every computer and laptop in the school! _

_You should've been there! Everyone freaked out about that picture of Zero and the milk… I conveniently removed the milk carton and put… __**Something…**__ In its place! _

_And if you thought the day class people would be shocked, you should've seen the night class people! _

_You're a genius! I replaced the ketchup bottle with a _

**RIIIIIPPPPPPP. **

Pieces of ripped paper burned up and ashes fell into my lap. I looked up. Very slowly…

-x-

"Ah, she'll be staying in the hospital for _another_ month?" asked Yuuki, horrified. "Why? Did they mistreat her at the hospital?"

"No," Zero growled, "I broke a few more of her ribs and a leg, that's all."

Yuuki paled.

"And I punctured a lung and caused one of her kidneys to fail." Kaname snarled.

Kaname and Zero glared at each other.

"Stop glaring, rapist." Zero snapped.

"Shut up, dick slapper."

* * *

KANAME:

7. Talk about birth deformities that may result from genetic mutations from incest. Make sure Kaname and Yuki, and preferably Zero hears you.

-x-

Yuuki made a point to visit me in the hospital every afternoon on the weekends, dragging both Kaname and Zero along with her… I really wished she didn't.

Every time they came they just glared at me, and I remembered how that letter from Anakin had burned up right before my eyes as a result of Kaname's laser vision or something.

Yuuki chattered on about something, while I phased out and concentrated on breathing through my oxygen mask.

"OW!" Yuuki yelped all of a sudden, and both Kaname and Zero jumped to their feet. I rolled my eyes.

"I think I… Ow… I think," Yuuki clutched her stomach, and then ran out.

"Yuuki!" Kaname was going to follow her, but Zero grabbed his arm. The pureblood tried to shake him off, but Zero murmured,

"Don't go."

I raised an eyebrow, suddenly feeling giddy for some reason, and it definitely wasn't the morphine.

"Why not?" I teased. "Because you want him to stay with you while Yuuki isn't here, mmmmm?"

"Kiryuu, she's hurt, she's bleeding! I don't have time for this!" Kaname wrung his arm free.

Zero glared at him and hissed, "Yes, I KNOW she's bleeding. Yuuki has her PERIOD and I don't think you can HELP her."

All three of us lapsed into uncomfortable silence. I was suddenly feeling very unsafe.

"You still gonna be with Yuuki, even though the whole school thinks you're with Zero?" I asked Kaname and he narrowed his eyes. Even with bags under his eyes he still looks amazing.

" First of all, it didn't seem like Yuuki minded." He stated. "Second, I had all the posters removed, but fortunately for you, the damage was already done. Third of all, what problem do you have with me and Yuuki now?!?"

"You know, I heard about this woman, who delivered a baby she had with her brother, and it was crazy, the baby had like, 3587 heads and 436743 arms. And it had both a hotdog and a kitty-cat, if you know what I mean. Plus it also turned out to be mentally retarded. It was a FREAK."

Silence. Kaname buried his head in his hands and groaned.

"Wait, Kuran, were your parents related?" Zero asked somewhat innocently.

"Yes."

"Oh, that's why you turned out the way you did then."

"…"

"What's wrong with you, guilt trip?" Zero mocked.

"NO. Lack of sleep!" Kaname glared at him.

"What?" Zero asked defensively, totally clueless.

And then Kaname did something totally unexpected. He leaned over and planted a sloppy kiss on the prefect's lips. I think I screamed.

"What the hell? Gah! Ew!" Zero was wiping his mouth and blushing like a tomato. In an attempt to get away he almost fell out of his chair.

"That was what it said I had to do on the note!" Kaname was also blushing now, and on the defensive, too.

"WHAT NOTE?"

"THE NOTE ON MY DOOR THIS MORNING! THIS ONE!"

A crumpled ball of paper landed in Zero's direction. A few words were written on the paper in a purple marker.

Zero read, _"Kiss me and the curtains will come back. –KZ." _

Silence.

"WHAT?" Zero shouted in my direction, anger and confusion burning in his eyes.

"_WHAT?"_ I was _REALLY_ confused, because for once I had _nothing_ to do with this! It must've been Anakin or something!

"_**WHAT?"**_ Kaname seemed shocked at just about everything, and most probably embarrassed as hell.

And then Yuuki came into the room, took note of Zero on the floor, holding the crumpled paper, the blush on his face, Kaname's bewildered expression, and my fast erratic heartbeat registering as a stroke on the monitor.

"…What?" She grinned widely and twirled a purple sharpie on her pinky.

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**Next chapter: **

ZERO:

8. Tell him he should wear a mask, like Ichiru, because he should be a little more fashionable for Kaname-sama. **–Meh. I'll surprise you.**

KANAME:

8. Accuse him of being racist for wearing white all the time in class.

* * *

**DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNN!**

**Hahaha! Yuuki's evil too! **

**I wasn't really sure if Kaname's parents were related, but for the sake of Zero cracking a joke for the first time in his life, let's pretend this is so.  
**

**Meh, I hope you guys like this chapter! Please review. Me likey review cookeys. **


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